OUT AND NAKED!
seventhgecko.easyjournal.com*
Can you take my unadulterated, uncensored POVs? Read on, enjoy, and you can leave me a message after. Violent reactions are very much welcome!
I am still in search for my one true great love --- my very own Lan Yu.
My Voice
What’s in a gay’s voice? Is it just plain flowery lingo or purely “landi”? Can gay’s voice bring about positive change/upliftment to his life? I remembered doing a thesis proposal back in college, where I pointed out that if people will only exercise their rights, bring out their voice, they can make upliftment possible to their lives, be it economic or political. Unfortunately, one of my panelists dismissed my point as a mere ideology, thus bringing my paper a murderous death. That bastard! I thought he’ll also kill my elusive dream of graduating on time, but I salvaged my dampened hope and put my act together. Yes, I finished my thesis proper, graduated on time, and hated by my classmates for “making himala”… But that’s another story.
Recently, I’ve read DANTON REMOTO’s article on gay and lesbian bill and how the Philippine Senate killed it. How sad, for I personally think this bill can liberate gays and lesbians on bondage to this ilk Filipino society. Alas, how sad! However, the flame of hope still burns for our kind! Let us make sure that every mumble, every utter, every construed words spoken, written or acted should be heard thunderously in every corner of this country, of this planet! Let our voices unite as one to bring about ultimate changes in our lives…
And to this, I offer this small journal of mine, where I am free to discuss issues concerning/not concerning me… with the hope of bringing forth what I stand, what I believe, and what I rely on to.
Posted on 3.21.2004 at 2:30 AM
Being with HIM: Forever?
Last night, my friend PAO called, and he talked about his relationship with a 29-year-old Thai guy who has a 10-inch dick and money to spend. He also talked about his many suitors and an American who he might have ended with if not for the Thai guy (this American has an eight-inches to be proud of). He discussed the Thai's plans for him, including the idea of buying a condominium unit in the Philippines to serve as their lovenest. It seems Pao is ready to have him for life. Well, i just spent my Friday and Saturday with a guy I think will be a perfect beau, but listening to Pao's story, i thought otherwise. This guy has a five inches dick, a good character, always makes me laugh, a really wonderful guy. But it seems I'm still looking for something lacking, jene sais quoi.
Palagi naman yatang ganoon. Everytime I'm with someone on bed, I can't help but to think if I can be together with the-guy-for-the-moment for ten, twenty, fifty years!
So I'm challenging myself: Is forever bonding tailored-fit for me?
Well, I'm still young, only 21 turning 22 this June. Maybe my views about forever relationships are not that too concise, for I am still looking forward of meeting the PERFECT GUY MADE FOR ME (honestly, I'm also looking forward the hot steamy sex with another man...).
So Pao has a Thai guy. And here I am, still contemplating on the fact that I never ever had a serious relationship with someone I truly like, and someone who truly likes me. Oh well, life is always not fair....
Posted on 3.21.2004 at 11:08 PM
Me, the Insecured Person
Here I am, preparing papers for the BIG event tomorrow, the PHILSTAGE Board meeting. I do always have cold feet everytime the organization holds meetings; me being always star-strucked by movie and theatre stars with the likes of Celeste Legaspi and Audie Gemora! And who am I? Just a graduate of the humble Polytechnic University of the Philippines...
Hey guys, this is not me talking! This is the super-duper-mega-to the max insecure person inside me...
Posted on 3.23.2004 at 2:42 AM
Rhodge and Valenzuela City
I woke up this morning seeing bushes and trees with yellow and pink leaves... Is this a dream? An illusion? A mirage? Am I just hungry making me hallucinate? As I open my eyes wider, these pink and yellow leaves are not leaves, but campaign ribbons! BOBBIT CARLOS FOR CONGRESS! ATE RITA FOR MAYOR! This couple reined our small city for nine consecutive years, or for three terms. And now, Mayor Bobbit is vying the seat for congress, and his wife is running for mayor.
Hah! Political dynasty to the max!
How kapal naman the faces of these two people!
Valenzuela City did not improve for the past nine years, with garbage pollution, traffic and road problems, corruption, and yearly flooding still messing up our lives.
For information, Mayor Bobbit, MD is a doctor. But come to think of it, it seems he doesn't value health. Garbage is everywhere, and he did not care a bit to whip the fucking asses of his constituents! Garbage collection is like raindrops during EL Niño. No wonder Valenzuela City stinks!
Roads are constructed and cemented, and after two or three months people from DPWH (?) office will "deconstruct" them again. Such a waste of people's money! And this contributes to the traffic situation! Kainis!
And this mayor is too proud to announce of his anti-flood projects, but time and again water flows to our houses and making our lives like in the movie Titanic. Baka kulang daw sa budget? That is a big Joke Joke Joke!
His pink-clad wife dearly called Ate Rita will continue the curse of the incumbent!
And us poor Valenzuela citizens have no best choice this coming local election. Gatchalian or Carlos?
Just lick my ass, I might write your name in my ballot.
Posted on 3.25.2004 at 10:51 PM
The Myth of Two Goddesses
Can two gays fall in love… errr… Platonic love?
I never know exactly how PAUL ALLAN MARTINEZ and I clicked the first time we became seatmates in class. But the history of our friendship is still very clear to me.
Our adviser that time, MS. ISABEL JACINTO (now a married woman and no longer teaching at Meycauayan College), decided to transfer me to the rightmost corner of our line, in front of Paul who was then I was not friends with. Then she transferred Paul beside me, so he’s now at the same line as mine. With that, he has to bear my presence and vice-versa. What is clear to me is that we had a talk and became friends that instant.
Since then, I considered him my best confidante. He was the only one who knows I had a crush on ARCIE MACATULAD (a dashing Boy Scout who I imagined sex with every time he was assigned to raise the flag during flag ceremony; this fact I did not confide with Paul Allan, virgin pa ako noon!). And he cannot forgot FLORENCIO, the Boy Scout (come to think of it, ang hilig ko pala sa boy scout before) who I also got crush on.
Our second year together brought riot: Paul Allan was the culprit on how the whole section Pearl knew that I got a crush on JEFFREY SORIANO (you guessed it right, he was a Boy Scout!). And when I got VICSON-LOUIE ESCALONA as a “love team” (we’re seatmates), Paul Allan also had one (EMIL MARIANO, his seatmate too!).
Third year was a year our friendship almost broke. Sadly, he became friends with SHIRLEY MARCELO and became super-close with her. Apparently, they had the same character. On my part I became close with RIZALENE CARMELO, who I found refuge with and who considered me as an “angel” (I felt the same way). But things were arranged, and the barrier was broken. This was also the year Paul, Shirley, Rizalene, CHRISTINA MARCELO, SANDRA FACTOLERIN, MARY GRACE SALAZAR, and I formed and forged our solid group: FAMILIA.
In our fourth year, things went some smooth, always rough, and forever tough. Classmates went versus each other for glory and honor. But thank God, we finished it with success!
College life ultimately changed us… Paul and Sandra went to UP, Rizalene to UST, Shirley to UE, Grace to BSU (no communication at all), Tina to St Louis, and I went to PUP. We all had dreams before, and now we will be doing reality.
Wish us luck!
Posted on 3.26.2004 at 1:37 AM
Strike One!
Scary! The jeepney operators are planning to hold a nationwide strike tomorrow. This is a bad timing since I have to go to Makati on Monday. I have to get Ms. Zeneida Amador’s signature for the PHILSTAGE letter-proposal. By the way, Ms. Amador is the Repertory Philippines’ president.
Being an economics graduate, this is my analysis of the situation: the effects of these circumstances are increase in workers’ earnings and the increase of market price. Naturally, jeepney fare is a price of a factor of production, for basic commodities are transported through jeepneys from the far-flung provinces. As the price of this factor of production increases, so is the price of the output. Come to think of it, employers will be force to increase the earnings of the workers, thus also leading to an increase in output prices.
As a common Filipino, this is my interpretation of the situation: Anak ng putsa naman, itataas pa nila ang pamasahe, wala na ngang kitain ang mga karaniwang manggagawa. Magmamahal tuloy ang mga bilihin, at ang nakakainis pinakakawawa ang mga lubos na mahihirap.
Life is really hard these times.
Vote FPJ, and expect more to come.
Caveat emptor.
Posted on 3.29.2004 at 12:59 AM
Brighter Opportunities
I've talked to my boss today, and he posed me this question: ANO ANG BALAK MO SA BUHAY MO?
I thought he's going to fire me! And I am scared to think of the aftermaths! Hey, I am very dependent to the money PHILSTAGE is giving me, and losing the job means a total devastation!
Fortunately, it wasn't. My boss is just asking if I do have other plans for myself. He means if I am hunting another job, if I am contented with my present work. I told him that my immediate plans would be to go to the graduate school.
He just informed that starting April 1st, I'd be receiving my earnings from the Organisasyon ng Pilipinong Mang-aawit (OPM) instead of PHILSTAGE. Also, my earnings will be increased from P8, 000 to P12, 500. I'll be working now for OPM as a researcher, and at the same time I'd still be doing the PHILSTAGE stuff. Assuming I did not have the raise, and I maintained the earnings I get from PHILSTAGE, my new job at OPM would make me P4,000 richer. But the work will be harder, being a researcher/coordinator of a new project.
Is life great, or it isn't?
Thank you, God.
Posted on 3.29.2004 at 11:23 PM
The Curse to a Gorgon
Yesterday, I met GARY the third time at Farmer's Cubao. Meeting him seemed to make me realize two things: first, I cannot love this guy; second, I was reminded the truth about gay hood relationships.
I cannot love Gary even if he is the only one who can make me laugh out loud, as if there are no people around us. I cannot love Gary because I am scared to my wits that I cannot have him 100 per cent. I cannot love Gary because he has so many text friends that he would not be faithful to me. I cannot love Gary because I am always insecure. I cannot love Gary because we might fail. I cannot love Gary because I got this big doubt in my heart. I cannot love Gary because I am a fake.
I was reminded the truth about gay hood relationships, that maybe it is a truth that it revolve around money. I don’t say Gary asks me for cash, but every time we meet I always pay for the bill since he has no paying job, which I hate very much but I cannot change the fact.
I cried for Gary yesterday. I cried because truth really hurts. I cried because reality really bites. I cried because I failed. I cried because I lose the game of love.
I was not able to escape Zeus’ curse to us Gorgons.
The curse ate me whole.
Posted on 3.31.2004 at 9:58 PM
Anonymous Conversation
+ Good morning.
+ Gud am 2. Hu u pls?
+ Uy, wala ng sumpong. Hindi na ako minura.
+ Pasensya ka na d last time, mainit lang talaga ang ulo ko dis past wik. Naghiwalay kc kami ng gf ko.
+ Talaga? Sorry to hear that. Pasensya ka na kung nagungulit ako. Salamat din at share mo ung feelings mo sa akin.
+ Hindi ko nga alam kung bakit sya umalis papunta Mindoro. Gusto ko nga siya sundan kaya lang pinigilan ako ng ti2 at tita nya. Intayin ko na lang daw sya.
+ Ang lungkot naman ng lovelife mo. Lagi ka kasing nakasimangot e. Smile naman jan and everything ?.
+ Gulong-gulo na nga ang isip ko. Parang gusto ko na ngang gumawa ng masama. Bad trip talaga ang buhay ko.
+ Magagalit ako sa u sa anumang balak meron ka! Papaluin kita sap wet.
+ Sino ba u? Parang kilalang-kilala mo ako?
+ Basta wag ka gawa masama. Ang belief ko, pag mahal mo talaga gf mo, pakakawalan mo sya.
+ Kayak ko nga pinakawalan e, kasi mahal na mahal ko sya.
+ Pag kayo naman talaga ng gf mo, babalik sya sa u.
+ Talaga?
+ Oo naman!
+ OK lang, mukha naming may nakilala na akong bagong girl na kahit di ko pa nakikita ay ramdam ko ung care nya sa akin.
+ Well, goodluck!
+ Sino ka ba talaga?
+ Maniwala ka, di kita kilala. I’m Grace, 21 yrs old.
+ Ako nga pla c Peejay. Pwede ka ba makausap? May landline ka ba? Kailangan ko lang kasi ng makakausap ngayon…
{Hindi mo ako pwedeng makausap. Mabubuko mo kasi na ako’y isang bading na lihim na nagmamahal sa iyo…}
Posted on 5.20.2004 at 3:46 AM
My New Pink Deedee-Covered Notebook
I bought a new notebook yesterday. It has Deedee on the cover. The notebook is the one that Kinder or Grade ! students use in school, with smaller red and blue lines good for writing exercises. I still don't know where will I use it, but the color makes a statement - it's pink.
Oh well, maybe I can write my poems there, or the lectures my professors in Graduate School.
Posted on 1.17.2005 at 12:31 AM
IN OR OUT?
I am about to lose my job. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang mararamdaman ko. Ayokong umiyak, nakakapagod lang at walang saysay kasi di naman mababago ng luha ang lahat. Siguro, takot. Isang matinding takot.
Marami kasi ang umaasa sa akin. Ako ang breadwinner ng pamilya. Kapag nawala ang trabahong ito, ayokong isipin ang maaaring mangyari sa amin.
Ayokong ipabahala sa Diyos ang lahat, pero wala naman akong magagawa sa ngayon kung hindi ang maghintay, mag-abang kung kailan sasabihin sa akin ng mga juror ang "Rhodge, you're OUT!". Sana nga lang mala-Gloria Diaz ang magsabi sa akin nun, 'yung parang wala lang.
Kailangan kong magpakatatag, dahil ang lahat-lahat ay isang malaking buntong-hininga.
Posted on 1.21.2005 at 2:46 AM
Men In Love
I got the chance to have a stint with Fleishman-Hillard (FH), an events company; courtesy of my friend EDS. FH was having its Valentine’s campaign for Watsons, entitled Men In Love. And what kind of men do they had – Mickey De Leon, Mickee Carreon (the BF of model and PMAP member Bianca Valerio), and Brent Javier! Oh-la-la!
So I aside from the “raket” I got the chance to hobnob with my crush Brent. But sad to say, I was disappointed. He was so much adorable in television and print, but in real life, sorry to say but it was a big no. My attention was pointed towards Mickey D, a real hunk at 21! His resume was impressive: a champion debater in high school, honor student of La Salle Greenhills – a young achiever. Nice body too! So he was really a combination of brains and brawn. And he was the only one among the models to remember the FH staff’s names, and had the effort to shake our hands.
But the best thing that happened after the vent was the bonding between my new acquaintances – Joanne, Marga, Mel (FH), and Amiel (FH).
It was really a wonderful experience.
Posted on 1.31.2005 at 1:06 AM
Valentine Rantings
February 14, Monday, will be a Black day for me. If lovers will wear red or pink, the colors of love, I will wear black, with a nameplate that screams LOSER!
I feel like Cruella de Ville these days. You cannot blame me: the time I hit the road going home, couples are everywhere; Close-Up Lovapalooza will be having its second run; it is a battle between Piolo Pascual and Bea Alonzo’s DREAMBOY and Richard Gutierrez and Angel Locsin’s LET THE LOVE BEGIN; the King and Queen of Hearts is constantly played on the radio – absolutely there is no need for me to be constantly reminded that LOVE (and smell of cum) is in the air.
And there will I be, hidden in a cave far, far away, alone. Probably consoling myself that I can exist without a significant other, like hey, this is a realization that my heart pumps blood even without other body organs!
So here are my plans for that day, that night. I have listed six:
1. Stack on books – novels, poetry, anything. I will read until the wee hours of the morning, have mental sex with great novelists and poets.
2. Rent VCDs of movies I am supposed to see but because of lack of time, the theatre’s airconditioning, and a companion, I did not.
3. Laugh.
4. Write poems. It is always my avenue for love.
5. Probably have sex. Hahaha!
6. Cry, not because I really, really feel alone and lonely but of great yearning that He has not yet arrived, or has he?
Posted on 2.6.2005 at 11:44 PM
Development Inc.
I was shocked to find out that the Talipapa (small market) in our place was started to be demolished. It was not yet clear to me if this was because of a city order, MMDA order, or the renewed interest in the establishment of a Train System.
Definitely I will miss this old Talipapa. It was a part of my life as a resident of Dalandanan, Valenzuela.
I don't know what will be the Government's plans for the place, but surely it cannot replaced the memories I had with the Talipapa.
Posted on 2.10.2005 at 1:03 AM
Happy Valentine's Day Pa Rin Naman
JOJO performed this piece, a Neruda original na translated by Pete Lacaba (according to KRAMER):
KUNDIMAN
Pablo Neruda
Maisusulat ko ang pinakamalulungkot na tula ngayong gabi.
Maisusulat, halimbawa: "Ang gabi'y mabituin,
at nanginginig, asul, ang mga tala sa dako pa roon."
Umiikot sa langit ang hangin ng gabi, umaawit.
Maisusulat ko ang pinakamalulungkot na tula ngayong gabi.
Siya'y inibig ko, at kung minsan ako'y inibig din niya.
Sa mga gabing tulad nito, niyakap ko siyang mahigpit
at hinagkan sa lilim ng walang-hanggang langit.
Ako'y inibig niya, kung minsan siya'y inibig ko rin.
Paanong hindi iibigin ang mga mata niyang malamlam?
Maisusulat ko ang pinakamalulungkot na tula ngayong gabi.
Isipin lang: Hindi ko siya kapiling. Nawala siya sa akin.
Dinggin ang gabing malawak, mas malawak pagkat wala siya.
At ang tula'y pumapatak sa diwa, parang hamog sa parang.
Ano ngayon kung di siya mapangalagaan ng aking pag-ibig?
Ang gabi'y mabituin, at siya'y hindi ko kapiling.
Iyon lamang. Sa malayo, may umaawit. Sa malayo.
Diwa ko'y hindi mapalagay sa kanyang pagkawala.
Anyong lalapit ang paningin kong naghahanap sa kanya.
Puso'y naghahanap sa kanya, at siya'y hindi kapiling.
Ito ang dating gabing nagpaputi sa mga dating punongkahoy.
Tayo, na nagmula sa panahong iyon, ay di na tulad ng dati.
Hindi ko na siya iniibig, oo, pero inibig ko siyang lubos.
Tinig ko'y humalik sa hangin para dumampi sa kanyang pandinig.
Sa iba. Siya'y sa iba na. Tulad ng mga dati kong halik.
Tinig, maningning na katawan. Mga matang walang-hanggan.
Hindi ko na siya iniibig, oo, pero baka iniibig ko siya.
Napakaikli ng pag-ibig, at napakabata ng paglimot.
Pagkat sa mga gabing tulad nito'y niyakap ko siyang mahigpit,
diwa ko'y di mapalagay dahil sa kanyang pagkawala.
Ito marahil ang huling hapding ipadarama niya sa akin,
at ito na marahil ang huling tulang iaalay ko sa kanya.
Posted on 2.14.2005 at 12:18 AM
The Morning I Went Home with Five Naked Guys
I went home from the UP Fair together with five naked guys.
The Pinoypoets Council (plus members) held its meeting at the UP Likha Diwa, and I thought it was impossible for me to attend. Last Thursday once I stepped inside the OPM office I felt tremendous back pains and dizziness. By Friday I took a leave from work and had my much needed rest. Saturday, after assuring my parents I was feeling OK, I went to Jollibee PHILCOA for the PP Meet. On my way to the venue I was sitted beside four cuties. I assumed they were high school seniors, because they were talking about the possibility of them studying in UP Diliman, Manila or Los Baños. I thought maybe that day was the release of the UPCAT results, so these hotties were so nervous and excited about that. I wanted to pretend I was Red Riding Hood and lure them to the Lagoon, and I would wolf them there. Hahahah!
---------
Xam's text message was misleading. He said they were in Jollibee, but they were actually inside McDonald's. Kainis, lumagpas tuloy ako ng konti. Waiting inside were XAM, EDS, SASH and KATH. JOJO followed; we were all surprise to see him because we thought he was in Baguio. He just got home last Friday. Kai and her sister were the last ones to arrive at the venue. Then we set off for the Ninoy Aquino Wildlife Park. But the place was hot and hordes of children were here, there and everywhere, so we decided to return to PHILCOA for lunch at IHAW ONE.
MEDEL surprised us for being there, e laging busy ang taong ito! Over bowls of rice and big bowls of iced tead we exchanged stories again, and again, and again. Xam was eyeing the guy sitted at the next table, but he was with his GF. After the pair left Xam and Eds attested the guy gave hints of being interested at Xam! What luck!
------------------
By past 2 PM we reached the Admin Building of UP. Eds was so desperate to "see" the Oblation. ERGOE was there na, followed by Diane. After a lot of talking we finally settled down and talked about the Pinoypoets Chapbook.
The rain ruined the "stillness" of the group, and even Manong Guard told us a group of ten or more was not allowed in the place. Everybody decided to go pronto to Likha Diwa. Jojo left early for he would be attending a friend's wedding.
-----------------
Kramer met us at the Likha Diwa. Luna followed.
The place was cozy, very warm. I guess we had a nice time there. We got the chance to bond with Kramer more (sana nga lang sexual, hay!), reminisced Pinoypoets memories, and a lot, lot more. Dave was super late, pero cute pa ring dumating, may baong shawarma. Si Claire na OT girl. Si Emong Dako din.
Ang hirap pala pagsamahin kami nina Ergoe, Xam at Eds! Sobra!
----------------
Tumuloy kami sa UP Fair. Luna's brother would be playing at 2 AM, pero i begged off na. Lagot na ako sa bahay! Still, I stayed with Kai, Kath and Marc, Ergoe, Eds, Emong, Luna and Xam til past 1 AM.
---------------
Inside the PHILCOA-bound jeep, Xam, Eds and I planned to form a group to be patterned after KM 64, and would be named KM 69! This would be an exclusive for people like us. Eds exclaimed that KM 64 would take a revolt against us if this plan push through.
I bid goodbye to them at EDSA-GMA-KAMUNING area, then I took a long lonely walk towards the Sakayan. It took me 20 minutes to get a bus ride, and once inside I was "pushed" by force (?) to the last row of the seats, were five half-naked guys were talking nonsense about the UP Fair. I felt alarmed; baka magahasa ako e paano na lang ang ipapaliwanag ko kay ____________*? I could even attest the one beside me was playing with his left nipple!
What do you think is the ending of this story?
*wink*
Posted on 2.21.2005 at 12:14 AM
A BEAUTIFUL DEATH
When JD read my tarot cards months ago, he saw Death.
I was scared. Even at the start of the session, I felt disoriented – hairs were standing on its end. Nakakakilabot. Then JD told me I got some strong cards of the deck. And then the last card he read was the card of Death.
Naturally I freaked out. Not Death, I told myself. Too grave. But JD reassured me that the card gave no literal meaning. It just meant that something has to end or be altered – the card foretold change. JD also told me that my card was “a beautiful Death”.
What transpired yesterday was this: My father already knew that my brother incurred a humungous amount of debt (totaling to P150,000 + +). My dad was so furious (sino ba naman ang hindi?). I guess the card of Death was at work last night.
JD also read from the cards that I have to be strong, firm with my decisions and moves. Now that my brother has “abandoned” his position in the family, all the burdens are now forced in my shoulders to carry. Sabagay, ever since I started working all of these are my responsibilities already. Madaragdagan lang ng pressure pa.
I know I can do this. I cannot fail my family. My immediate plan is to apply for a teaching post this semester, part time lang so I can still maintain my present job, the Pinoypoets moderatorship and full-time PRO, Graduate School, small family business, at lahat pa ng mga priority ko in life.
Posted on 3.4.2005 at 11:42 PM
*Ito ung panahon na mala-Sex and the City ang pag-iisip ko. I was so carefree and too gay! Tinanggal ko na ung mga steamy at controversial entry ko kasi grabe talaga ang mga laman nun! Magkuwento ba naman ako tungkol sa sex life ko! So ito lang mga ito ang nag-land sa entry na ito, pure and unadulterated. Nakakatawa lang balikan ang mga sentiment ko noon. Hahaha!
I'm so glad I was able to close that Easyjournal blog last week. Last week ko lang talaga sineryoso ang paghahanap sa blog na iyon. May hinahanap pa akong blog kong luma, ung sa Blogspot naman.
Anything?